Narrator: Once upon a time, in the mystical, far-off land of Puncuatia, there lived a little girl by the name of Sally Semicolon who loved adventures.
Sally: Hi, I’m Sally Semicolon; I love adventures!
Nar: She also liked cupcakes.
Sally: I love cupcakes; they’re my favorite food!
Nar: And apparently, repeating everything I say, because Sally Semicolon is an idiot.
Sally: The narrator is an idiot if he thinks I’d fall for that; I’m little, but I’m not stupid.
Nar: Clever girl… fine, let me start over. Once upon a time, Sally Semicolon was walking down the street when she was jumped by ninjas.
<Intro: Non Sequitur. A Latin phrase which means “it does not follow”, commonly used to refer to incidents in writing where one sentence doesn’t logically follow the one before it, and I do the cha-cha like a little girl. Sally Semicolon is about to find herself thrust into an adventure where every twist and turn is not what it seems.>
Sally: Ahh, ninjas; please don’t hurt me!
Ninja: Yarr, ye be no match for our ninjutsu, little girl!
Sally: Why are you talking like that; aren’t you ninjas?
Ninja: Yarr, we be not mere ninjas. We be… Ninja Pirates! Now, enough of this banter! Prepare to fight!
Nar: Just then, everything went black. Sally Semicolon looked around, but saw nothing. Then, she heard a sound…
Sally: Who’s there; where am I?
Philosoraptor: Fear not Sally Semicolon. It is I, your spirit animal guide, the Philosoraptor!
Sally: The Phisiwhotur?
PR: The Philosoraptor. Part philosopher, part velociraptor, all creation of a quite possibly drunk internet user. But it is a hard name for someone as young as you, so you may call me… Tim.
Sally: Okay, Tim… what am I doing here; who were those ninjas?
PR: Ninja pirates, and there lies the secret of their defeat. Ninjas and Pirates are mortal enemies…
Sally: Of course they are; everyone knows that!
PR: Now, allow me to wax philosophical… *enters philosophy stance* If one were a pirate-ninja, would he not hate himself?
Ninja: Yarr, Ninja-Pirates! Attack!
Sally: Wait right there; don’t move! You are both ninjas and pirates; those two are deadly rivals. You shouldn’t fight me; you should fight each other!
Ninja: Yarr, she be right! Ninja-pirates, fight!
Nar: And so Sally avoided confrontation with the Ninja-Pirates. Just then, two peanuts were walking down the street one was assaulted. Sally met up with her best friend, Quinn Questionmark.
Quinn: How Sally, how’s it going?
Sally: Okay, I suppose; I was just attacked by Ninja-Pirates.
Quinn: Wow that sounds exciting? Did you beat them?
Sally: Tim the Philo-something told me how to; but he didn’t tell me why they attacked me.
Quinn: That’s too bad? By the way, there’s some weird dude standing behind you?
Sally: Oh, so there is; excuse me sir, who are you?
Nicolas Cage: I’m Nicolas Cage! Here, take this ruby and place it in the Griffon’s Goblet! It’s the only way we’ll get the Constitution of Canada!
Sally: What does that mean; why do you need Canada’s constitution?!
Cage: I don’t know! You have to trust me! Ahh, the bees!
Quinn: Wow, that was weird? But now you have clue?
Sally: And a new adventure; I love adventures!
Quinn: And cupcakes?
Sally: True dat, homeskillet; now let’s go!
Nar: And so, Sally went on her quest to find the Griffon’s Goblet, aided by her friend Quinn and the Philosoraptor. Soon, they came to the temple of buttered popcorn.
Quinn: For a buttered popcorn temple, there’s not a lot of popcorn or butter here?
Sally: Wouldn’t be the weirdest thing we’ve seen; remember when we had to go through Ponyville.
Sally: Nice to meet you Pinkie Pie; what do you like to eat?
Pinkie: Cupcakes, of course!
Sally: So do I; we should make them together sometime!
Pinkie: Yeah, you should totally come over! You’d make a… great addition… *pulls out meat cleaver*
Sally: what is that; is that a meat cleaver?
Pinkie: Oh this? It’s nothing. Just something I use for… *looks Sally up and down* cupcakes…
Nar: Suddenly, dubstep!
Quinn: Yeah, that was creepy? At least Tim told us to get out of there?
Sally: And now, we’ve reached the temple; here is where our journey ends. There are likely dangerous traps ahead; we must face them with courage!
Quinn: What about that guy over there?
Guard: Halt! You trespass on sacred ground! State your name and calling!
Sally: I’m Sally Semicolon; I love adventures!
Guard: Adventures? I used to be an adventurer like you. Then I took an arrow in the knee.
Quinn: Wow, that’s terrible?
Guard: You don’t know the half of it kid. Anyway, have fun storming the temple! Monocle smile!
Nar: Sally and Quinn entered the temple, braving its dark corridors and treacherous traps. Finally, after besting the Marshmallow Mastodon in battle they had reached the chamber of the Griffon’s Goblet.
Sally: This is it, Quinn; I’m going to put the ruby in the goblet.
Quinn: Be careful?
Sally: *puts emerald in goblet. There is a pause, and then the goblet begins to shake and rise upward, revealing a glass chamber* There’s just an envelope in here; is this the Constitution of Canada?
Quinn: Read it?
Sally: Ahem; “To whom it may concern…”
Nic(Letter): I have already braved the dangers of Candy Mountain and passed the trials of the Banana King. If you have come here with a ruby, know that I took it when I left but later decided it wasn’t that pretty. Thanks for returning it for me. Sincerely, Nicolas Cage… WOMBATS!
Sally: “P.S. u mad?” … This whole adventure was just an errand for Nicolas Cage; I can’t believe I was tricked like that!
PR: *growl* Well, there’s a lesson to be learned here. *enters philosophy mode* Never trust a man who takes his stage name from a comic book.
Sally: Now I know!
PR: And knowing is half the battle!
Nar: G.I. Joe!